// post traumatic \\


I don't have a leg to stand on
Spinning like a whirlwind nothing to land on
Came so far never thought it'd be done now
Stuck in a holding pattern waiting to come down
Did somebody else define me
Can I put the past behind me
Do I even have a decision
Feeling like I'm living in a story already written
Am I part of a vision / made by somebody else
Pointing fingers at villains but I’m the villain myself
Or am I out of conviction with no wind in the sail
Too focused on the end and simply ready to fail
Cause I’m tired of the fear that I can’t control this
I’m tired of feeling like every next step’s hopeless
I’m tired of being scared what I build might break apart
I don’t want to know the end, all I want is a place to start


Sometimes / sometimes you don’t say goodbye once
You say goodbye over and over and over again
Over and over and over again
Sometimes / sometimes you don’t say goodbye once
You say goodbye over and over and over again
Over and over and over again
It was a month since he passed / maybe less
And no one knew what to do / we were such a mess
We were texting / we were calling / we were checking in
We said we ought to play a show in honor of our friend
Well now that show’s finally here / it’s tonight
Supposed to go / to the bowl / get on stage / dim the lights
With our friends / and our family / in his name / celebrate
There’s no way that I’ll be ready to get back up on that stage
Can't remember if I’ve cancelled any show
But I think about what I’m supposed to do and I don’t know
Cause I think about not doing it the same way as before
And it makes me wanna puke my fucking guts out on the floor
We rehearsed it for a month / I’m not worried about the set
I get tackled by the grief at times that I would least expect
I know what I should be doing when I’m singing but instead
We’ll be playing through a song and I’d remember in my head
Sometimes / sometimes you don’t say goodbye once
You say goodbye over and over and over again
Over and over and over again
Sometimes / sometimes you don’t say goodbye once
You say goodbye over and over and over again
Over and over and over again
What (are) they saying, I’m not raw?
What the fuck you take me for?
All the sudden you hear what I’ve said a hundred ways before?
I been pushed, I been trapped
Drug myself through hell and back and
Fallen flat and had the balls to start it all again from scratch
How do you feel / how you doing / how’d the show go?
Am I insane to say the truth is that I don’t know
My body aches / head’s spinning this is all wrong
I almost lost it in middle of a couple songs
And everybody that I talk to is like, “wow
Must be really hard to figure what to do now”
Well thank you genius / you think it’ll be a challenge
Only my life’s work hanging in the fucking balance
And all I wanted was to get a little bit of closure
And every step I took I looked and wasn’t any closer
Cause sometimes when you say goodbye yeah you say it
Over and over and over and over


Excuse me while I kiss the sky
Sing a song of sixpence / pocket full of lies
Thinking I’m OK but they’re saying otherwise
Tell me how I look but can’t look me in the eyes
Watching as I say this and then I do that
Telling them the old words but in a new rap
Then I change my mind up and make them lose track
Shit I’m inconsistent I thought you knew that
Maybe I should be more grateful
That I had to watch it all come undone
Holding so tight to the edge is painful
But I can’t ignore it I know
They’re watching as I fall / they’re staring as I go
I gave until my soul hurt / and never told them so
They’re watching as I fall / to somewhere down below
But maybe I’m just falling / to get somewhere they won’t
Excuse me while I sympathize
Singing with the fat lady tell me what’s the time
You know what it is not afraid to cross the line
Nothing is forever don’t be mad at the design
Ask me if I can / I say I don’t know
And honestly I buy that I can sound cold
Still upset from stuff that’s 15 years old
I don’t know what it takes to make me let go
Maybe I should be more grateful
That I had to watch it all come undone
Holding so tight to the edge is painful
But I can’t ignore it I know
They’re watching as I fall / they’re staring as I go
I gave until my soul hurt / and never told them so
They’re watching as I fall / to somewhere down below
But maybe I’m just falling / to get somewhere they won’t


I used to know where the bottom was
Somewhere far under the ocean waves
Up on a ledge I was looking down
It was far enough to keep me safe
But the ground was cracked open
Threw me in the ocean
Cast me out away at sea
And the waves are still breaking
Now that I awaken
No one’s left to answer me
My inside’s out / my left is right
My upside’s down / my black is white
I hold my breath / and close my eyes
And wait for dawn but there’s no light
Nothing makes sense anymore anymore
Nothing makes sense anymore anymore
I used to sleep without waking up
In a dream I made from painted walls
I was a moment away from done
When the black spilled out across it all
And my eyes were made sober
World was turned over
Washing out the lines I’d seen
And my heart is still breaking
Now that I awaken
No one’s left to answer me
I’m a call without an answer
I’m a shadow in the dark
Trying to put it back together
As I watch it fall apart


This is that gather round it / and wonder where I found it
This is that wake up make your agent have your tour re-routed
This is that drama comma pain and ain’t no way around it
Cause somehow still it's hard to know what I can say about it
I buckled up told myself to suck it up
I was scared to death to get up there and spill my fucking guts
I was saying pull your stupid self together buttercup
get it cracking Back in Black until you have em Thunderstruck
But
Even when it's not about you, about you
All the sudden it's about you now, oh
Even when it's not about you, about you
All the sudden it's about you
No, there's not a single thing that I can say
Not a single solitary / every meaning changes shape
Even when there's no connection back to you in any line
All the sudden it's about you and it gets me every time but
What the fuck is left to author anyway
When I basically been writing since the Raiders ran LA
I’m afraid that maybe I've said everything there is to say
Maybe I should make an exit while there’re ways to get away, cause
(blackbear)
can’t find the words to a memory
but these are just words to a melody
find something that works fits the symmetry
for only a quick broken remedy
and i’d give anything to choose
pick out the words i bring home to u
how can i make due
put a smile on change my attitude
and even though it’s not about u
everything is all about u
all about u




What's the difference between a man and a monster
Is it somewhere between “I can" and “I want to"
Is it somewhere between the promises I made
And the fact I couldn’t see something getting in the way
I used to think that I know what I want
Never saw it coming unglued
I used to think that I know what I want
Now it’s time to see if it’s true
I had so much certainty
Till that moment I lost control
And I’ve tried but it never was up to me
I’ve got no worse enemy
Than the fear of what’s still unknown
And the time’s come to realize there will be
Promises I can’t keep
What's the difference between a loss and a forfeit
I tried to make it better but I made it more sick
I tried to make it right / but now awake at night
I know reality was getting in the way
I used to think that I knew who I was
Never saw it coming unglued
I used to think that I knew who I was
Now it’s time to see if it’s true


They’ll tell you I don’t care anymore
And I hope you’ll know that’s a lie
Cause I’ve found what I have been waiting for
But to get there means crossing a line
I don’t know how to warn you / for what I’m gonna say
Cause you’re holding so tight to / what I’m taking away
I got demons inside me / so I’m faced with a choice
Either try to ignore them / or I give them a voice
And it’s keeping me up at night
Worried it’s not alright
Holding back things you don’t know
And it’s keeping me up at night
Worried it’s not alright
You’re not gonna like where this goes
And they’ll
Tell you I don’t care anymore
And I hope you’ll know that’s a lie
Cause I’ve found what I have been waiting for
But to get there means crossing a line
So I’m crossing a line
It’s not about status / we know it never was
Cause what good is the kingdom / when you’re missing the love
This is not a goodbye now / I’m not going away
No I don’t have the answers / but I do have the faith
And it’s keeping me up at night
Worried it’s not alright
Holding back things you don’t know
And it’s keeping me up at night
Worried it’s not alright
You’re not gonna like where this goes
NO


She said are you OK
And I'm staring into space
It's making her nervous / ‘cause one thing is certain
I don’t have my head on straight
We're trying to get through each week
On two or three hours of sleep
I say to be patient / that we’re gonna make it
I have to admit that I’m struggling
They say take it slow but the
World keeps spinning / and that I don't control
And so there I go
Trying to act normal / so they won't know that
I’m just trying to hold my shit together / together darling
I’m just trying to hold my shit together / together darling
They say that they sympathize
I'm grateful they take the time
But bringing it up at this 6 year old’s birthday
It kinda fucks up my vibe
We end on an awkward note
I make the most awkward joke
Too dark to be funny / I shouldn't have come it’d be
Weird go to home and I'm struggling
They say take it slow but the
World keeps spinning / and that I don't control
And so there I go
Trying to act normal / so they won't know that
I’m just trying to hold my shit together / together darling
I’m just trying to hold my shit together / together darling
Oh I don’t know what else to try
Pretend I'm in control but I’m
Just trying to hold my shit together / together darling


She said
This is not about a poltergeist
Not about a phantom that glows at night
But there are things we don’t know and I
Don’t have another choice but an open mind / oh
And I know what they’ll say
I’m trying to make sense of what no one can explain
But I’ve been having dreams that after I’m awake
Play out in reality the very next day
So I play along
I nod my head when they say I’m wrong
But each night falls and away I run
On the other side till the daylight comes
And when the lights go down
I see things I can’t explain
Calling out my name
The lights go down
Holding every memory close
Tonight is for our ghosts
Ghosts
This is not about you and me
I can’t bring back how it used to be
And I know what I do believe but
I’ve already seen what I couldn’t see / oh
So I play along
I nod my head when they say I’m wrong
But each night falls and away I run
On the other side till the daylight comes
And when the lights go down
I see things I can’t explain
Calling out my name
The lights go down
Holding every memory close
Tonight is for our ghosts
Ghosts
And when the lights go down
Is there something in the air
There but never there
The lights go down
Holding every memory close
Tonight is for our ghosts
Ghosts


I keep on running backwards
I keep on losing faith
I thought I had the answers
I thought I knew the way
My brother said be patient
My mother held my hand
I don’t know what I’m chasing
I don’t know who I am
Woke up this morning holding my head
Thinking last night is one I’ll regret
Washing off the bad decisions / the blurry vision
The clues that I’m still a mess
Spitting out the taste I have in my mouth
Knowing what this all is really about
Knowing there’s an explanation / an expiration
I gotta figure shit out
And they’re asking me / if I can see / the darkness down below
And I know it’s true / I say I do / when half the time I don’t
Maybe I can’t make / what it may take / to leave this thing behind
But I shut my eyes / and cross each line / and every time
I keep on running backwards
I keep on losing faith
I thought I had the answers
I thought I knew the way
My brother said be patient
My mother held my hand
I don’t know what I’m chasing
I don’t know who I am
Waking in the dead of night I can’t sleep
Sleeping in the light of day for like weeks
Reality was out of focus
I could be hopeless
Instead I gritted my teeth
I didn’t have the patience left to explain
Didn’t wanna wait while nobody came
I know the path ahead’s uneven
But while I’m breathing
I have to make my own lane
And they’re asking me / if I can see / the darkness down below
And I know it’s true / I say I do / when half the time I don’t
Maybe I can’t make / what it may take / to leave this thing behind
But I shut my eyes / and cross each line / and every time
I keep on running backwards
I keep on losing faith
I thought I had the answers
I thought I knew the way
My brother said be patient
My mother held my hand
I don’t know what I’m chasing
I don’t know who I am
So I make it up as I go (o-oh, o-oh)
I make it up as I go (o-oh, o-oh)
So I make it up as I go (o-oh, o-oh)
I make it up as I go
As I go


I’m off of the Earth / on a ride / alone
Lift off like Virgin Galactic
My Richard’s too Branson to fuck with you bastards
Very legendary that’s some matter-of-fact shit
You’re the opposite of stars, like rats spelled backwards
I flow poems out to Saturn and passed it
Easy as a standard anti-gravity backflip
Satellite tracking can’t map up my tactics
I spit the same shit they split an atom in half with
No, it’s not what I want but it had to be
I spent 6 months just recharging my battery
Imagine me quitting, what a travesty that would be
You space shuttle Challengers are nothing but tragedies
So take care on the path that you’re headed
I’m the father to your style, don’t’ you ever forget it
I don’t drop mics / only let it smoke where I set it
And I don’t play / even when they press it / get it
I’m off of the Earth / on a ride / alone
I’m drifting away / out of time / afloat
Away from the truth / away from the night / away from the day
I’m off of the Earth / on a ride / alone
Please brace for impact
Must’ve went to space and got sent back
But I’m still intact
In fact, take a picture of me
You can see that I’m a star with your lens cracked
Supernova / In Caesars Palace stuntin' on my opponents
Cause history’ll show / We done been to war like Romans
Did that dance with the devil / Hell hot as a kettle
So it’s no wonder why I put this ice on all of my metal
And wear that shit like a medal
Use to think I was a joker / no Jared Leto
When I said I’d get us out the ghetto
Slam my foot on the pedal
Book the studio when I couldn’t afford instrumentals
Fuck it, record acapella
Flyin’ coach dreaming Coachella / until they banned me
Now they like Bambi’s mother, dead
I’m on to these Grammys
I’m rollin’ these grams gladly / purple and green like Daphne
Shades on like Velma / hair long like Shaggy
Crushin’ addys in my water / got my voice raspy
Haven’t slept since California and that shit was last week
Paranoid when I sleep
But when I’m high, I’m happy
That’s why I need to kiss the sky when I get stuck in the valley
Lift Off


Levitating off the blacktop
Used to struggle getting started now I can't stop
Used to be the quiet kid in the sandbox
Now it's hands up every time that your man rocks
They ought to stop me coming in again
You mad / you thought we were synonyms
Too bad that's the water you're getting in
You’re too fat for the sharks that you're swimming in
From where I'm sitting contenders are
Looking like fruit spinning around in a blender
Hardly a snack when I'm here looking for dinner
I eat ‘em delete ‘em they're barely beginners
Main course is my main sport
Play major but Minor's my main Fort
Put a chain around everything I came for
Look but don't touch sucker
Tell ‘em take an I.O.U.
Say they want respect now / thinking they deserve to have it next now
Tell ‘em take an I.O.U.
Believing what they’re making up / talking loud but never really saying much
Tell ‘em take an I.O.U.
I been drawing plans out / and they think I’m giving them a handout
Tell ‘em take an I.O.U.
Thinking they’re entitled to a piece no / I don’t think so
Tell ‘em take an I.O.U.
Levitating in a blackout
Used to drink at least a 40 ‘fore we mashed out
Used to think that working 40 was a max out
Now I’m working even when I’m sleeping do the math now
‘Cause even when I’m sleeping, eyes keep ‘em open
Stripe across ‘em both the color of your hemoglobin
A huge act man like I’m known for being Logan
X-23 I’m keen to leave ‘em with a femur broken
Taking it too far maybe / Friends like
Mike I don’t know who you are lately
But pride and hate has made naysayers mistake me
For wasting brain space on ratings they gave me?
I don’t need your respect I got history / I’m
‘81 Reagan with that nonsense: miss me
Father like Francis, Anakin or John Misty
Not to be touched sucker
Tell ‘em take an I.O.U.
Say they want respect now / thinking they deserve to have it next now
Tell ‘em take an I.O.U.
Believing what they’re making up / talking loud but never really saying much
Tell ‘em take an I.O.U.
I been drawing plans out / and they think I’m giving them a handout
Tell ‘em take an I.O.U.
Thinking they’re entitled to a piece no // I don’t think so
Tell ‘em take an I.O.U.


Wanna know where I don’t go
When it goes from OK to a oh no
When it goes from hi five to a low blow
When it goes from all five to a solo
Lemme tell you what you don’t know
I been down / so low / I was
Looking for something but denying that I found it
There’s an elephant sitting in the room
And I can’t find another way to tiptoe around it
I been doing greater good for a long time
But I can’t find any other way to give now
I been putting myself on the sideline
And it’s been time so I’m saying can I live now
There are times when I kick myself
Say I’m not sick but I can’t get well
Say I got this while I chase my tail
As if they can’t tell
I'm running from my shadow
Running from my shadow but it’s still there chasing me down
I’ll never win the battle
Never win the battle and I should have known it by now
Just when I think I’ve found the end / ohhh
I’m going back around again / ohhh
Running from my shadow
Running from my shadow but it’s still there chasing me down
Light side’s got a dark side to it
Daytime flows into night like fluid
The yin and the yang with a curved line through it
And none of it’s illuminating why I do it
Maybe I didn’t want to chase what was not right
Maybe I didn’t want to face you were offsides
Thinking I was far away from a crossed line
But I was giving soft praise to a hard lie
There are things that you say and you don’t say
My tongue’s gotten real tired of me biting it
‘Cause I keep on following the wrong way
Time’s come and I can’t keep denying it
There are times when I kick myself
Say I’m not sick but I can’t get well
Say I got this while I chase my tail
As if they can’t tell
I'm running from my shadow
Running from my shadow but it’s still there chasing me down
I’ll never win the battle
Never win the battle and I should have known it by now
Just when I think I’ve found the end / ohhh
I’m going back around again / ohhh
Running from my shadow
Running from my shadow but it’s still there chasing me down
I love you but I know / I gotta let you go
Dancing with the devil cause she’s all I’ve ever known
Wanted to pretend / That this time was the end
Sorry but I guess I gotta let you down again
Again
Again
Running from my shadow now my shadow is my only friend
Running from my shadow
But it’s still there chasing me down
Running from my shadow
Running from my shadow but it’s still there chasing me down


Don’t think I need to say this
‘Cause you know what’s in my head
Fucked up is an understatement
Can’t wait for this year to end
It all fell apart / don’t know where to start
And everything moves so slow
I can’t get a break / it’s too much to take
But closing my eyes I know
When the world’s on fire / all I need is you
I don’t always think to say it but it's true
When I just want to disappear
You’re the one that keeps me here
The world’s on fire / all I need is you
The riot’s on the horizon
We’re calling each other's bluff
The smoke’s filling up the skies and
I say we should pack it up
Maybe the blaze / will take this away
To ash and to earth below
You tell me to breathe / that you still believe
And closing my eyes I know


You can call till your voice is running out
But I can’t hear you now
I can’t hear you now
I’m somewhere far away where you can’t bring me down
So I can’t hear you now
I can’t hear you now
Run run it back / tell ‘em what I’m coming at
I was on that bullshit then / now I’m done with that
Scared of what I didn’t want / scared of what I wanted and
Thought that I was finished but I hardly had begun in fact
I’m a beast I’m a monster a savage
And any other metaphor the culture can imagine
And I got a caption for anybody asking
That is / I am feeling fucking fantastic
Some days it doesn’t take much to bring me down
Some days I’m struggling for control
Some days it doesn’t take much to bring me down
Right now I’m floating above it all
So you can call till your voice is running out
But I can’t hear you now
I can’t hear you now
I’m somewhere far away where you can’t bring me down
So I can’t hear you now
I can’t hear you now
Come come again / feel it when it’s flooding in
Woke up knowing I don’t have to be numb again
Starting line scratched out, I don’t have to run again
Give a fucks maxxed out / tell ‘em I’m not coming in
I’m not present on the payroll
And you can tell me I should do it cause you say so
But I’m not dancing to the rhythm you replay no
Cause I’m already half a million miles away though / they know
Some days it doesn’t take much to bring me down
Some days I’m struggling for control
Some days it doesn’t take much to bring me down
Right now I’m floating above it all
So you can call till your voice is running out
But I can’t hear you now
I can’t hear you now
I’m somewhere far away where you can’t bring me down
So I can’t hear you now
I can’t hear you now
And I waited too long / I listened too much
You said what can’t be unheard
I’m drawing a line / enough is enough
I let you have your last word